"Three is too many!"

I had to deal with an unpleasant situation Friday. My four children and I were leaving our local cooperative grocery (bastion of diversity, tolerance and community support). We walked nearly single file past the outdoor café area, each of us carrying (or “helping” to carry) a grocery item. We must have made quite a spectacle, the five of us walking along, for we got many the set of raised eyebrows, a big smile from one patron, and a disdainful look from a young woman sitting with a slightly older male. “Three is too many!” She called out after us as soon as we passed. The comment pretty much broadsided me.

For a split second I felt shame. That's probably what she intended. Then the anger started to simmer and it took some doing for me to grit my teeth and walk silently on. I didn’t even look back at her, as I was afraid that the anger would show in my eyes or that what I saw in hers might tempt me to speech that I might regret. It's one thing for a stranger to be rude to me and pass judgment without facts. But it's another thing altogether for her to insinuate in the presence of my children that they should not have been born! That raised some proverbial Mama Bear hackles. I hoped that by not gracing her with a response that my younger ones might not take particular notice, and that my older ones would learn not to waste their time on anger. 

After I mastered the wave of anger, I began to try to wrap my brain around what would make a person say something like that. Maybe she thought that simply by having four kids I am using up an unfair share of environmental resources… But I was shopping for organic and local goods at a cooperatively run grocery at which I am a member! I’m very environmentally aware, and do my best to be responsible. We live a simple life. I do things like make my own cleaners, eat organic food, cloth diaper my children, recycle, use natural body care products, get our vehicles repaired at a green LEED certified auto repair business, buy only wool carpets, use VOC-free paints, have always purchased energy star appliances, never use pesticides, herbicides, don't own or watch TV, etc. etc. Heck, my husband even works in a building with LEED certification. And he drove a truck that ran on recycled veggie oil for 8 years! (We even have plans to get our diesel tractor to run on a simple wood gassification system.)  We consume a lot less than many one-child families that I know. But even if we were an over-consuming family, we would simply be a product of this society. Even if she assumed that I was selfish and had not looked into "overpopulation" etc., when "family planning," my children would still be humans with inherent dignity, not deserving of such an insensitive and degrading comment within their earshot. 

Besides, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a dog or two. (I think that there might have been one lying next to her chair.) And no one says that dogs are a waste of resources or pollute the environment, although technically arguments that could be made against having “too many children” could also be made about having pets, and then some. For example, dogs use up valuable clean water. They defecate in public places. They make noise pollution. They cause more pesticide use due to flea and tick treatments and the like. Energy is used and waste is produced to manufacture and package their food, the myriad of treats, toys and other paraphernalia (leashes, collars, tags, bowls, dog diapers, dog sweaters, etc) that people buy them. They take up public land and taxpayer money for dog parks, pooper scooper stations, leash signs, and municipal animal shelters and control agencies. People buy them sedatives to calm their fears of fireworks and thunderstorms. They are administered vaccinations, psychiatric drugs to deal with their mental problems (like separation disorder.)  Medications are prescribed for them to help deal with their medical problems like diabetes, etc. The resources used for the care of dogs could be used instead for the poor who often go without food and medical care. So the environmental argument just doesn’t hold water. It’s more about the fact that dogs are more fashionable/socially acceptable, and large families are not.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating limiting dog ownership- certainly not! It's just that whoever heard of someone yelling at a woman walking her three dogs that two are too many?! No matter how an individual may feel, it’s rude! It passes judgment on the person without any other fact than she is walking three dogs. Maybe she is walking them for a friend. Maybe she has a dog walking business. Maybe she is taking them to visit a nursing home. Maybe she trains them as seeing eye dogs, search and rescue dogs, allergy detection  dogs, or bomb detection dogs. Maybe her grandfather left them to her when he died. We just don't know.

And yet I get comments like this all the time. I know this will sound crazy to some, but I feel that children deserve better treatment and more respect than dogs (even though I advocate respect and good treatment of ALL living creatures and am NOT judging those who have dogs.) After all, no pet dog has the potential to figure out how to cure disease. No dog will ever become president. No dog can independently dig wells in Africa, feed the poor in Haiti, or take in the homeless. Yet dog owners get more respect in our society than parents of three or more children, despite the fact that being a good parent is one of the most difficult and important of jobs, as it directly affects the future of our society. 

Here’s more proof that things are warped in the area of appreciation for children. My cooperative grocery has a “take your dog to work day” coming up. They DO NOT participate in the “take your son or daughter to work day.” Seriously?! Their employees are not welcome to bring their children to work for a day and teach them about the value of work, but they can bring dogs to a place with a salad bar, a full-service deli, an indoor dining area, produce, etc.? How would that even pass health code? Where will they take the dogs to relieve themselves? What is the purpose of hosting such a day? How does it benefit the staff or patrons? Apparently, given the many run-ins I’ve had at the coop, not only are children not welcome to come see where their parents work for a day, member/owners are not supposed to take their kids to shop there and teach them about the value of organic, local, minimally processed food either. That pretty much sums up the “enlightened” thinking of the age- Oh, that and vegan dog food... of which there are many brands… Sigh. (No, I don't have it in for Vegans. If I could figure out how to get my family enough protein without meat, eggs, or dairy...and without making my food-related jobs any more difficult, and if I could get my kids to eat a wider variety of vegetables.... I'd certainly jump on the band wagon. If nothing else, it's supposed to lower your risk of cancers a ton to up your fiber and reduce your animal fat intake!) It's just that dogs are omnivores. They are made to eat meat. If somebody has a problem with meat being eaten, why would they buy a pet whose very nature is such that it eats meat? Why not buy a guinea pig or rabbit? I guess because it is more socially acceptable to own a dog.

The more I thought about it though, the more my anger and frustration turned to sadness and pity. I think that if I had stopped and asked that lady which children I should have "gotten rid of" she wouldn't have hesitated to point to the youngest two! She just had that look of abhorrence on her face as we passed. But even if she wouldn't go that far, I feel sorry for anyone who can't see the beauty and potential of a child that is already in existence. And if she was that disrespectful to me and to innocent kids, if she finds no indignity in that sort of behavior, I can't imagine that the man sitting with her respects her much or that she respects herself much, for that matter. That makes me feel bad for her. 

Or perhaps she was just jealous. I have found a happy, healthy, loving family to be a blessing. Maybe her parents took her for granted and she never received the love she deserved. Maybe she never had siblings, and is resentful somewhere deep down inside. Maybe she can’t have kids, and that hurt is like a wound that won’t heal. It makes her lash out like an injured animal. Maybe her own child died. Who knows? 

Since she was a black woman, I would have thought that she’d have been a little more sensitive to arbitrary unkindness. But maybe she received some disrespect from someone of my race, and that hurt boiled over and made her lash out. It certainly seems to me that unbridled and unwarranted viciousness of that kind must stem from some deep hurt or jealousy that that she harbors, not just simply a warped societal norm. But I’ll just never know. Whatever the case, with her current attitude she will likely never experience the love that a growing family like mine is so full of, so I feel sorry for her. 

Now granted, not all people are negative about my family size. I do get the rare, random compliments concerning my kids (mostly from older ladies or people after Mass.) But I think happy, healthy, well-behaved kids deserve compliments! Unfortunately, far more often I get nasty looks, shaking heads, comments like:
"You really have your hands full!"
"Better you than me!"
“Are all of those yours?”
“Do they all have the same father?”
“I hope you know what causes that by now!”
“You really need a new hobby!” 
“You must be rich!”
"Are you done now?"
"Were they all planned?" 
"Don't you think it's time to stop?"
(And not just from people at the co-op either.) It’s as if, because it is possible to contracept and abort, that therefore I should have. I guess it irks people that “choice” goes both ways. 

But I know the value of life and love. I’ve suffered through a stillbirth, and buried that daughter as my milk came in. I’ve listened to a grieving three year old (who was my only child at the time) tell me that he wanted a new baby, but that it had to be alive this time, as if it were my fault that my daughter died of a severe birth defect before birth, as if I could have chosen to have an “alive baby.” I’ve also had a miscarriage, grieved the loss of a child that people don’t even acknowledge, whom I buried in a tiny wooden box by myself in the plot at the cemetery where my daughter is interred- because what else could I do? I couldn’t let that little one be scraped from my womb as the miscarriage began only to be discarded with medical waste like a pus-soaked bandage. 

I’ve talked to women who struggle with infertility, some of whom have been through the harrowing and expensive process of adoption several times, only to have arrangements fall through. They have had to decide whether to go through the complicated and long process of international adoption so that they could adopt an infant (because so very few are available in the states) or to adopt an older child from the foster care system. And that’s no small choice: travel to foreign countries, "tribute" fees to officials, court hearings navigated with translators- or a "high needs" older child? The average age of children in foster care is almost 9. Many are teenagers or pre-teens. More than 50% come from minority cultures. Approximately 40% are siblings who need to be adopted as a group to stay together. Many have physical or mental challenges. Others have emotional problems resulting from circumstances beyond their control, such as abuse, neglect, abandonment and the lack of permanency in their lives. All Foster Care children are classified as “high needs.” (http://photolisting.adoption.com/waiting-children/adopting-a-child-from-the-foster-care-system,2.html) I know all of this because I've seriously considered adoption before. And if I hadn't been blessed with my own, I would certainly have prevailed upon my husband to adopt a slew. (I still feel called to this, so who knows? Maybe adoption through the foster care system is still in my future.)

I’ve talked to old women who regret the fact that they have no children or grandchildren. I’ve also seen older women surrounded with love by grateful, happy families, and hoped that I would know that joy and satisfaction some day. But I’ve never once heard someone say:
“I wish I had aborted some of my children.”
“I wish I had never had kids.”
"I don't want any grandchildren."
“I like being dependent upon government programs in my old age.”
"There are too many people paying into social security."
"There are too many kids taking all the minimum-wage jobs."

So yes, I have chosen a path that most turn their back on in this modern era. But I have done so consciously, not because I didn’t know better or am too ignorant (as the “intellectually enlightened” assume) but because I think it's possible for a "large" family to leave a small footprint. I value the gift of my fertility. I respect my basic biological functions. I don’t think it healthy or reasonable to try to use artificial hormones with serious side-effects to trick my body into "thinking" that it is perpetually pregnant so that I don’t conceive. I don't find it liberating to be held solely responsible for the creation of a human or the prohibition of a human's birth. I don't think that I should have to deny my biology in order to have respect or equality. I want to be respected and valued in part because I am a woman and because of what my female body can do that male bodies can't, not in spite of it. I want my children to be gifts, not possessions, doll-like creatures, or "mini-me's". In addition, I cherish the gift of children who are unique individuals with new insights that add love to the world and who have so much potential for working good and instilling positive change. (And all of these reasons are simply logical conclusions based on natural law, they're not even the beautiful reasons that my Catholic Faith has given me.) 

So while it is shocking and hurtful to hear comments like the one I heard on Friday, I just need to get used to taking the heat for my choices concerning family size I guess. It still makes me sad that it is socially acceptable to be judgmental, hurtful, hostile, and rude, especially to certain subsets of people. And I’m filled with sorrow by the fact that humans have become so devalued. But I’m going to continue to raise the children that I am given to the best of my ability. And I hope that in the process I am teaching them to value the precious resource that humans are. I also hope that I am raising them to be loving and kind (among many other things.)