New Low

Well, I've officially hit a new low. This morning, after being kept up all night by a thunderstorm, torrential rain, and a teething baby, I finally decided to commit to being awake. I slipped on my clothes, donned my glasses, brushed my hair, changed and dressed the baby, and headed out at 5:30 to do some grocery shopping. I figured that since everyone was sleeping, taking the infant elsewhere to make noise would help them to sleep longer - and they needed more sleep. I also thought that if I was up, I might as well get something done. I couldn't correct school work with a big wiggly babe in arms, nor could I empty the dishwasher quietly, etc. So I packed him into the van in the twilight and headed through a downpour to the store.

I used to always have a menu/meal plan, generate a shopping list from it, and shop at multiple places. But of late, circumstances have prevented such organization and efficiency. Yup, I was winging it. My husband is leaving for a week of work in a different city on Sunday. If I didn't want to have all five kids in tow with me later in the week, then I needed to get food when I could with only one.

The little man made it to the bread aisle before he would no longer tolerate being cooed to in a seat on the cart. So I picked him up and continued on. I managed to make it all the way through the store- yay! I thought I was doing good. I was being efficient.  Most people weren't even out of their beds.

As I was about to unload my groceries, the cashier asked me if part of my order was WIC. I guess the rolling out of bed, wearing ill-fitting and out-of-style clothes on my postpartum body (because who has time for clothes shopping or excercising) and carrying an infant while grocery shopping was enough to warrant this question, but it hit me hard. I replied in the negative, sheepishly placed my organic milk on the conveyor belt, and tried to act like I was used to being asked that. 

I live in the poorest county in the state. There's a slight possibility that WIC program recipients are such frequent shoppers there that this particular cashier asks all women with children this question. But after going to this store randomly for 2 years, no one has ever asked me before. So maybe I just look bad? And if I look that bad here, I look bad! I mean, the last time I came back from the store my husband teasingly asked me if I saw "any lookers" when I complained about being the only woman shopping with a bunch of lost-looking, middle-aged men. So I told him about the gentleman with greasy, bed-head, and sock-less feet in blown-out loafers who was wearing a dirty T-shirt that didn't cover his belly, and baggy sweatpants with an unfortunate hole in them. Let's just put it this way. I know he wasn't wearing underpants. And then there's my previous experience.

But I started thinking about it. I can't remember the last time I got my hair cut. Was it last spring? My hair is long, so I've just made do with it getting longer. I think that the only (and few) clothes that I've bought for myself in the last 3 years have been from the nearest Walmart. Generally, I make it a rule not to shop at Walmart because they drive the local business under, etc. But it's the closest store that sells clothing, so you can tell that the few purchases were desperation-driven. Maybe I have sunk that low.

Yeah, I know that "I've let myself go". People say that like it's due to laziness, like since I don't go to the office every day I hang out in my PJs eating bonbons with bed hair just because I'm unmotivated. It's SO not like that. I am just BUSY people! To me, letting myself go was a form of self-sacrifice. Little peoples' needs were more important than my own. That phrase has always bothered me a little bit, but I didn't "LET myself go", I CHOSE to put others first, so I didn't get hung up on it.

I'm not immune to societal ideas of beauty and success. It's not that I don't WANT to be attractive and "put together", but when I'm weighing what's more important, Botany or styling my hair, washing laundry for a family of seven (plus one in cloth diapers) or applying make-up, preparing wholesome food or clothes shopping, etc. etc., my personal appearance comes last. It's as simple as that. I settle for brushing my hair and pulling it back into a pony tail every day, putting on lip balm instead of a face-full of make-up, bobbling the baby while tending a myriad of tasks instead of hiring a babysitter for 5 kids, driving 40 minutes away, and spending time and money on clothes shopping and make-up so that I can get respect based on how I look.  

But clearly my exhausted, postpartum self is looking extra bad lately. What can I say? I AM pushing 40. I HAVE borne 6 large children. I HAVE burned the proverbial midnight oil for more than a decade. I DO try to do more than most people consider reasonable. My husband IS gone a lot. My family DOES live far away. I DON'T have any babysitters. 

Maybe before the next school year starts I can work in a haircut and a few new "going to town" clothes between my husband's long days, business travel, and work on our homestead, between my oldest boy's sailing classes and robotics workshops, between my youngest son's nursing sessions, etc. etc. The only caveat is that my oldest still has a quarter of his school work to complete before we're done with THIS school year. So I guess I'll look like a WIC program recipient for a little while longer. Sigh...