Who Am I?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Losing Myself

reflections of a middle-aged, 
stay-at-home, 
home-educating, 
rurally located, 
mother of four 
(from toddler to teen)


I used to feel attractive, competent.  
I had free time, dreams; I could breathe.  
Now I face an unending onslaught of urgency and drudgery.  
My body is wilted, worn, and wasted.  
My mind is a churning, jumbled muddle.


For a time I would fret. 
I felt trapped, that I had nothing left. 
I felt used, abused.  
I had given so much for so long. 
I worried that I had lost myself, forgotten how to be, forgotten me. 


Then I looked at what I would have to do to have a better body, nice clothes. 
I explored what it would require to “take care of myself.” 
I saw what would happen if I regularly took “time for me.”  
I had to decide: would being slender, muscular, rested, or self-nurtured make me truly happy or help my family? 
Were beauty, respite, good health or longevity more important than my own children’s desires, best interests, and needs?


In the end, I am willing to pay the cost, and cannot face what would be lost. 
In trying to nurture me, in seeking health, I would be consumed in self. 
I would be empty in a different way. 
I would have the space, but lose the close fit, the tight knit. 
Now I understand, embrace, and rest assured in my choice.


Giving defines me. 
Loving consumes me. 
Emptying myself fills me. 
I have lost myself... willingly...
and gained a thriving family.

2 comments:

  1. This is motherhood--it's difficult and it's rewarding.

    "The art of motherhood involves much silent, unobtrusive self-denial, an hourly devotion which finds no detail too minute."
    Honore De Balzac

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